1. Crocs and Mini umbrellas fiend
For the record, if you love Crocs, you aren’t getting laid. Ever. Crocs exude an aura of prudent asexuality. Really, no one needs to be that comfortable.
If you’re the sort of guy who walks in to a bar and orders a White Russian with two cherries and a mini umbrella, please accept that the only action you will get is holding back her hair when she has her head down the toilet.
2. You are a commited Belieber
Okay so in a parallel universe, Justin Bieber might just be considered sexy but you would need to be a thirteen year old girl with absolutely no taste in music. There’s a reason Bieber said, “If you were my girlfriend, I’d never let you go”. Cue imagery of creepy dungeons.
3. You would put Telletubbies to shame
If you jiggle in a breeze, you have some serious issues. FYI, all the teletubbies currently reside in the friendzone.
4. You are in an intimate relationship with your console
If you know more about EA sports than you do about women, you’ve been lost to the cause. A friendly reminder, those are the only buttons you’re ever going to press.
5. Your wingmen suck!
You’re out with your friends and you spot a girl you like, you ask your friends to be friendly buffers but they shit all over your game, it’s time you get new friends. Or take a cold shower.
6. Candy Crush is your only conquest
If you’re out with a girl and the only thing on your mind is the next episode of Candy Crush, you better stock up on some sweet something-somethings because that’s the only candy you’re going to pop!
7. The Proverbial Hotter One
You’re chatting up a girl and suddenly you’ve spotted another maiden who knocks your jocks more? We have news for you son, you aren’t getting either!
8. Ugly. Just plain ugly.
We’re sorry to break it you but there’s nothing you can do about it. Just sorry. Come come, let’s welcome you in to the friendzone fold.
9. You would put the overly attached girlfriend to shame
Women love the sensitive guy but if you call to see if she got your text, you might as well put celibacy on a con call.
10. You think the sun shines out of your sparkly behind
If your only agenda is to talk about how amazing you are, you’re going to be handling your business yourself. Do yourself a favour, zip the lip!
For the record, if you love Crocs, you aren’t getting laid. Ever. Crocs exude an aura of prudent asexuality. Really, no one needs to be that comfortable.
If you’re the sort of guy who walks in to a bar and orders a White Russian with two cherries and a mini umbrella, please accept that the only action you will get is holding back her hair when she has her head down the toilet.
2. You are a commited Belieber
Okay so in a parallel universe, Justin Bieber might just be considered sexy but you would need to be a thirteen year old girl with absolutely no taste in music. There’s a reason Bieber said, “If you were my girlfriend, I’d never let you go”. Cue imagery of creepy dungeons.
3. You would put Telletubbies to shame
If you jiggle in a breeze, you have some serious issues. FYI, all the teletubbies currently reside in the friendzone.
4. You are in an intimate relationship with your console
If you know more about EA sports than you do about women, you’ve been lost to the cause. A friendly reminder, those are the only buttons you’re ever going to press.
5. Your wingmen suck!
You’re out with your friends and you spot a girl you like, you ask your friends to be friendly buffers but they shit all over your game, it’s time you get new friends. Or take a cold shower.
6. Candy Crush is your only conquest
If you’re out with a girl and the only thing on your mind is the next episode of Candy Crush, you better stock up on some sweet something-somethings because that’s the only candy you’re going to pop!
7. The Proverbial Hotter One
You’re chatting up a girl and suddenly you’ve spotted another maiden who knocks your jocks more? We have news for you son, you aren’t getting either!
8. Ugly. Just plain ugly.
We’re sorry to break it you but there’s nothing you can do about it. Just sorry. Come come, let’s welcome you in to the friendzone fold.
9. You would put the overly attached girlfriend to shame
Women love the sensitive guy but if you call to see if she got your text, you might as well put celibacy on a con call.
10. You think the sun shines out of your sparkly behind
If your only agenda is to talk about how amazing you are, you’re going to be handling your business yourself. Do yourself a favour, zip the lip!